


Numbness

by orphan_account



Category: Archie Comics & Related Fandoms, Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Jughead Jones Needs a Hug, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, Tags Are Hard, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-05-29 08:52:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15069596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "I know this will kill me. But I can't stop. I'm trapped in its grasp. Like a lamb to the slaughter with no way out..."OrJughead Jones is bulimic.Will cover triggering subjects like mental health and eating disorders.You have been warned.ps: my first fanfic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first ever work posted online so I'm a bit nervous. The updates will not have a set date because of school. Constructive criticism accepted. Please don't judge the spelling.

POV Jughead

I know this can kill me. I know if I don’t stop it will be the death of me. No one knows, and I want to keep it that way.  
I pull myself up from the bowl. My hands shake. The room seems darker. My head spins. I wipe my mouth with my hand and flush the toilet. When I get up, the pain intensifies. I’ve gone too far. But I can’t stop. I’m trapped in its grasp. Like a lamb to the slaughter with no way out. I go over to the sink and wash my mouth out. It hurts to walk. I look at myself in the mirror. My face has visible paled. I pinch my cheeks to try and bring the colour back. I look at my hands and see teeth marks from sticking them in down my throat. Normally, people who do this do it for vanity reasons. Not me. I do it all in an attempt to bring back feeling to my numb body. That high feeling after doing it. Getting rid of all discomforts. To feel like I’m alive not half dead like I’m making myself. Rotting myself from the inside out. The effects are visible. My weight fluctuates, my teeth are terrible, and my throat looks swollen sometimes. I stop worrying about my post purging state. If I stay here any longer, people will start getting suspicious. I walk back to the school cafeteria. I sit back down and look at everyone at the table for signs of suspicion. I couldn’t see any. Betty took my hand and even though it’s comforting I wish she didn’t. She might see the teeth marks on my knuckles or feel how bony my hand is since my weight has fluctuated to a low. I pull away to open my laptop and start editing the article about Hiram Lodge and his plans for the town that I’m hoping to publish. I can feel Betty’s gaze reading every word on the screen. 

“So, Betty, Jug. What’s so interesting?” Archie asked us. 

“Stuff for the Blue and Gold,” Betty said. “Nothing that would interest you”. She looked back at my laptop. Everything was normal. No one suspected anything. The bell rang. 

In English, my head was still pounding so I put it down on my arms. Then my eyelids got heavy and I fell asleep. It wasn’t for that long, but I could feel eyes on me when I returned to reality. I slipped further into my chair. I hate being looked at. When the bell rang for the end of the day Betty came over to me. “Hey, are you feeling okay? I’ve never seen you fall asleep like that,” she said looking concerned.

“Just with everything going on it’s hard to sleep sometimes”. 'Lier,' a voice in my head said. 

“If you need to talk to someone, I’m here”.

“I know. Thanks, Betty,”. She smiles and walks out the door. 

When I get home, the trailer is empty. My dad’s still at Pop’s and he won’t be back for long. This is dangerous. I raid the cupboard for any food that won’t be missed but is still edible. I sit down with my laptop and eat it. Thinking about what my dad will do if he caught me. He’d probably think I’m being the kid everyone thinks I am. Self-indolent and gluttonous. I don’t exactly know I’m eating all of the food. I blank out. It brings a numb feeling to my body. Then reality hits. I look at all the empty wrappers. I need to get it all back up. I get up and start walking to the bathroom. My stomach starts the proses of bringing up the food. It’s like going on the autopilot. I wouldn’t be able to stop if I wanted to. I pull the toilet seat up and stick my finger down my throat. Most of it comes out. It never all comes out at once. I stick my finger down my throat again. The final bit comes up. Everything hurts. Pain rakes through my body. A white sound rings in my ears. My vision greys on the edges. The room seems darker. I grit my teeth and stand up. I flush the toilet and open the window to try to rid the smell of vomit. I rinse my mouth out. My legs shake. I look at my reflection. I’m so pale I could be a ghost. I go to the sofa and lie down. I remember the rappers that are still sitting on the table. I get back up to put them in the bin. My head spins and my legs threaten to collapse in on themselves. I somehow manage to get to the bin and back to the sofa without collapsing.

I wack to the sound of my dad opening the door. 

“Hey Jug,” he said. I grunt in response. 

“God, you're pale. Are you feeling okay?”. 

“No,” I said. To be fair it’s normal for a person to come home and have a headache. I think. 

“What’s wrong?”.

“I have a headache,” I say flatly. I pull my sleeves over my hands, so he can’t see the bruising on my knuckles. Dad comes back with aspirin and a glass of water. 

“Take this,” he said giving it to me. I took it. I didn’t realise I was so thirsty. The world stopped spinning. 

“I think you should get some sleep,” Dad said. 

“Yeah. I think I should,” I said. It was easy to fall asleep. It always is.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to point out spelling or grammar errors

POV Jughead

I was woken up by the sun peeping through the curtain. Not my alarm. I realised that I was still on the sofa. I used all my strength to pull myself up. I rub my eyes and look at the clock. 7:30. Great. I’m going to be late for school. I start looking for clothes to wear when I realise I’m still wearing the clothes from yesterday. I run my hand through my hair and grab my beanie and pull it on. My bangs fall over my eyes which is good. I get my laptop and phone and put them in my messenger bag. Then I stand up. It’s painful but I have to. My whole body is aching. I purged four times yesterday. That could be the reason I feel like crap but then again, I always feel like this after purging at night. I half walk half drag myself outside and get on my motorcycle and bike to school.

* * *

 

Surprisingly, I'm not late so I decided to go to the school library before class. The only quiet place in the school. My head was still pounding, and I still hurt everywhere. I was walking aimlessly down one of the isles when Betty literally ran into me pushing us both to the ground.

“Oh Juggie I’m so sorry,” she said. Her face was going red.

“It’s fine Betts,” I said helping her up. “What’s the big rush?”

“I had a theory that I needed to write down when I ran into you in,”

“What was that theory?”

“It was a Black Hood theory. It’s stupid now that I think of it. I think Sheriff Keller’s the Black Hood. According to Kevin, he hears his dad leaving the house every night. Veronica thinks he’s having an affair”. I looked at her.

“Maybe he is. You can’t just assume that he is the Black Hood with nothing other than leaving the house at night,”

“Well, the Sugar Man was killed in his cell by the Black Hood. No one but someone with access to the jail would’ve been able to do that,”

“He could’ve broken in,”

“There were no broken locks or windows so whoever it is would’ve needed access,”

“Yeah, but why would the sheriff of all people want to terrorise the town?”  
Betty stopped at this. “True but,” She exhales.

“You’re probably right”.

“Hey, it’s a good theory though,” I said. She smiled. My heart skipped a beat. Then the bell rang before I got the chance to kiss her.

* * *

 

When the bell rang for lunch, I felt a heavy feeling in my stomach. Time to do what I always do at lunch. Binge and purge. I grab as much food as I could and sit down with Betty and Archie to eat. I get remarks from other kids, but they go in one ear and out the other.

“Damn Jug. Hungry?” Veronica said sitting down. I stare at her.

“Veronica just, stop. It's not nice,” Betty said. I go back to consuming all the food my stomach can handle and then excused myself from the table and made my way to the bathroom to get all the food back up. I’m really am trapped in this shit way to handle my feelings.

I go into the bathroom and go into the last stall, lock it, pull the toilet seat up and knell down. When I stick my finger down my throat, I feel a scrape before everything comes rushing up. After everything had come up I start coughing. I cover my mouth in habit and then I feel something wet hit my hand. Blood. I must have cut the back of my throat. I get up and flush the toilet. I unlock the door and go wash my mouth out. I look at my reflection. I look dead. The bags under my eyes have darkened ten shades and my face is five shades paler. I wash my face. Like that could do anything. My hand are freezing and it’s like someone has turned the brightness down. I have black around my vision and I can only hear my heartbeat. I try to get my breathing under control. My hands shake as I leave the bathroom. They will all see the difference in how I look and will then suspect that something’s up. I decided to go to the library, but then I remember my things are still in the cafeteria. Perfect.

“God Jug, are you feeling okay?” Archie asks me as I walk over to get my thing.

“You look like Death”.

“I’m fine. My head just hurts,” I said. I get my things and start to leave.

“Where are you going?” Betty asked.

“The library,”

“Okay, I’m coming. I need to talk to you”. Oh no. She must suspect something. My hands start shaking so I put them in my pockets. My heart starts beating fast and I lose control of my breathing. My anxiety is getting the better of me. “Okay then,” I said trying not to sound nervous.  
When we got to the library Betty pulled me into one of the isles. “Okay, so I’m not blind. I can see somethings up. Your not yourself anymore. Sure you’ve always eaten like that but then you go to the bathroom and come back looking like a ghost. Are you-,” She looks at me. Worry and pity are the two emotions I’m getting. I hate being pitied and I hate it when she worries about me. “I don’t know-“

“Yes, you do know what I mean,”

“No, I really don’t”

“Jughead Jones you know what I mean. Are you or are you not forcing yourself into puking up everything you’ve eaten?” I don’t know who to respond. I feel sick. She takes my hand.

“You can talk to me,”

“I don’t know how,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to make next chapter longer.  
> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I took so long to edit. I was writing and re-writing parts to make them perfect. I tried not to be too cheesy with the Bughead moments.

POV Betty

“I don’t know how,”

Jughead said. His eyes are blank. He’s impossible to read. Tears were welling up in his eyes. I rub my thumb on the back of his hand which I can feel every bone in. It’s obvious now that I think about it. How did I not see it before? I try to look into his blue eyes again but his hidden them with his hair. His hand goes up to his cheek and then comes back down. I brush his hair away from his eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay. You can talk to me. I won’t judge you for it. Nothing will change how I think of you”.

Well, that was cheesy.

“Just, how long?”.

He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it like he was changing his mind.

“It’s a new thing,” he said. He looked guilty suddenly. He started coughing into his hand. It sounded wet. When he stopped, he looked at his hand and wiped it on the inside of his jacket.

“What was that,” I asked. I sounded desperate. I am desperate but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.

“Why?”  
“Because I want to help you. I’m worried. I don’t want you to die”. He looked at me.

“Juggie. Please. Let me help you. Or just tell me what you wiped on your jacket,”

“Blood okay? I cut the back of my throat, okay? Satisfied?”

Honestly, I didn’t know how to respond.

 

* * *

 

POV Jughead

Sometimes I wish Betty would just leave me alone. Others, she’s my safety net. And other times, I don’t want to let go of her. Tears were welling up in my eyes. I don’t really know why. I guess I’m just overwhelmed by her finding out. I hate crying. I think I was a bit harsh.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. She ran her hand along my jawline.

“Just, talk. Say what’s on your mind. I won’t judge”. Betty’s hand had made its way to my chest. I was going to kiss her, but the bell interrupted us. I have a free period, but Betty doesn’t.

“I got to go,” Betty said. She kissed me on the cheek.

“You can talk to me later,” she said. I wish she didn’t have to leave. I sat down at a table and got my laptop out and started writing out ideas for a story.

When the bell finally rang for the end of the day I made my way to my locker and thought about going to Betty's to talk to her. I’m still not sure what to say or what to say. Maybe something like ‘help me I’m bulimic and will die. Send help’. I hate being seen as weak. I hate my emotions. I hate a lot of things about me. And pity. I hate pity.

“Hey, feeling better?”

Her voice snapped me out of my trance. Betty was standing at my locker. Her face was concerned. I love how easy she is to read. “I’m fine,” I said. Honestly, if the sun exploded and we all died a painful death, I’d be happy.

“Ok, well if you want, we could go to Pop’s latter,” Betty said. As if on cue, my stomach growled. I am so hungry. I think Betty heard because she smiled.

“Well, I’m glad to hear that you still have an appetite. I’ll meet you there at 5?”

“Sure,” I said. Now that she’s mentioned food, I can’t take my mind off eating something. My stomach growled again.

 

* * *

 

When I get home, the trailer is empty as usual. I sit down and do my homework trying to forget about the time so it will go faster. I also try to forget how hungry I am but that’s impossible. I hear the keys go into the door. I check the time for the 90th time and look back at the door.

“Hey Jug, are you home?” Dad called from the door making me jump.

“Right here,” I said. If my dad’s home, I can’t do anything to myself. I look at the time again. 4:45.

“Oh, um I need to go,” I said getting up.

“Where exactly?” Dad asked me.

“I’m meeting Betty at Pop’s”.

* * *

 

When I got to Pop’s, it was just 5 o’clock. I walked in and saw Betty sitting in the booth that we normally sit on. Her blonde hair pulled back into its normal high pony-tail. She turned her head and saw me. She smiled and my heart was in my throat. She’s so beautiful.

“Hey Betty,” I said walking over. She got up and pulled me into a kiss. It felt like my heart had left my body.

“I’m sorry, I needed that,” she said. I just smiled and pulled her into another kiss. We sat down eventually. When Pop can over he didn’t even ask what we wanted. He seems to always know what milkshake we were in the mood for.

“Are you sure your feeling better?” Betty asked me.

“I’m fine, Betty”. She looked at me not really buying it.

“Really I am,”

“And what does fine mean?”

“That I’m ok,”

“And what does ok mean?”

“That if the sun exploded, I’d be happy ‘cause you’re the last person I’d ever see? I’m sorry that’s cheesy”

She laughed and my heart died again. When Pop came with our food, I started to feel numb again. I dug my nails into my hand to try to bring feeling back into me. Pain flooded my hands so I looked down. They looked like Betty’s hands that time when she showed me. Cresent moon shapes made from blood. I wiped my hands on the inside of my jacket and started eating. It was like my body remembered how hungry I am because everything tasted better then it normally tastes. I can’t live on just water, coffee and the rare bowl of dry cereal forever.

“So, how is the ‘Sherif Keller’s the Black Hood theory’ going?” I asked Betty.

“Veronica still thinks he’s having an affair,” she said. Once I finished everything on my plate, my stomach started churning. I hate the feeling of trying to keep food down. But if I went and puked, Betty would catch on and I can’t have that. I started thinking of excuses for going to the bathroom. I felt sick like everything would come up without me even trying. I could use that as an excuse if she asks. I got up and walked into the bathroom, made sure no one was in there, went to the furthest stale, looked the door and sat on the floor. I pulled the seat up and tried to get everything up by pushing on my stomach. It didn’t work so I used my finger and everything came up swiftly. I shoved my finger down my throat again just to make sure everything was up. It was now just liquid. The bitter taste of acid was burning my mouth. I cleaned my self up and made sure my appearance hadn’t changed that much. I couldn’t see much in the dim lighting, so I pinched my cheeks so I didn’t look like a dead man walking.

When I went out, Betty was still waiting. She was on her phone to someone and didn’t look partially happy about it. When she saw me, she hung up. “Hey are you ok?” she asked pulling me down to sit next to her.

“To be honest, I feel like shit,” I said. Everything was hurting like always. She put her hand on my head.

“You have a fever”. Perfect.

“Maybe you shouldn’t come to school tomorrow”. Her eyes were full of concern. She put her head on my shoulder, so I put my head on hers. I don’t know how long we stayed like this.

“I need to go,” Betty whispered.

“Same,” I said getting up.

“See you tomorrow?” I asked.

“Only if you're feeling up to it,” she said.

When I got home I walked straight into my room and flopped on the bed. My head was killing me. My hands were freezing and my throat burned. I let sleep take me. The only place where pain will leave me alone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any spelling mistakes.

POV Jughead

I woke up to the sound of my alarm in a pool of my own sweat like normal. It took every ounce of strength to pull my self up and turn my alarm off. When I went to stand up, my legs failed me and I collapsed onto the floor. I let out a groan and tried to stand up again, using my chair. My legs shook and threatened to give up again. My head spun and I could’ve traded my soul to be able to fall asleep again. Maybe I shouldn’t go to school like Betty said. I pull on one of my many ‘S’ t-shirts on. They are all too big for me on a good day but today, it was slipping off my shoulders. I grab the same pair of pants I wear every day and pulled on my jacket which fitted loser then it had the previous day. I tied a flannel around my waist just encase it was obvious that my weight had fluctuated to such a low, low. I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled my hat on.

I walked into the kitchen to eat something. I made myself a bowl of dry cereal and sat down at the table to eat. My dad walked in. “Hey Jug,” he said smiling trying to make me return the favour.

“Gess, are you feeling ok? You look like death”.

I haven’t seen what I look like yet but if it’s bad enough that my dad noticed, it’s bad.

“Can I stay home?” I asked. My voice shook. Dad put his hand on my forehead.

“You don’t have a fever or anything, but I think you should stay home. Go get back into bed and sleep to a reasonable time. You know when my shift at Pop’s starts so that’s when I won’t be here but I might need to do some stuff with the Serpents”.

I only nodded not knowing where my voice disappeared to. When I got into my room, I took off my clothes layer by layer until I was only in my boxers. I collapsed into my un-maid bed and closed my heavy eyes. I fell into a void of nothingness. All pain left my body.

* * *

 

I woke to the sun shining through the gap in the curtain and decided it would be a good idea to get up. I checked my phone and saw the hundreds of missed calls from Betty. I got dressed for the second time today and sat back down on my bed. To be honest, I don’t really know what to do. I look around the room aimlessly. I feel hopeless. I run my hand through my hair and a couple of strands fall loose. Perfect. That’s exactly what I need right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I took so long to write such a short chapter. I've been sick and had a terrible writer's block and writing this is bringing back some unwanted memories but I will keep it going.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jughead gets worse.
> 
> Way worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kind comments and kudos!

POV Jughead

 

I lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling aimlessly. I’m too tired to get up or call Betty, but I’m too awake to fall asleep again. I feel hopeless. I decide on getting up. When I pull myself up to sit pain foods in my body. Everything comes back. Pain that is too familiar. I feel faint. I groaned and lie back down but the pain in my head doesn’t leave. The burning in my throat still burns. My stomach aches. I push against this pain and try to sit up. I can feel the blood rushing from my head.

 

I want it to stop.

 

I want this pain to go away.

 

I _need_ it to stop.

 

I slam my head into my hands. Tears prick in my eyes. I want to call out to my dad but my voice gets stuck in my burning throat. I dig my nails into my arms as hard as possible. I move my nails up and down my arms raking at the skin.

 

Everything stops.

 

I feel numb.

 

My arms bleed.

 

My throat stings.

 

My head feels bruised.

 

My heart races.

 

Tears fall down my face.

 

And the best part is, no one cares.

 

No one’s there.

 

No pity. No sadness.

 

Just me.

 

Me and my demons.

 

And Pain.

 

I can’t forget Pain.

 

I can’t breathe normally.

 

I’m now crying so hard I can’t see.

 

I’m alone.

 

Broken.

 

Pain.

 

Numb.

 

I feel the blood from the crescent moon like cuts on my arms start dripping off my arms and most likely onto the threadbare sheets and blankets of my bed. I wipe the tears from my eyes but they just come back.

 

Why am I crying?

 

What am I crying for?

 

Why can’t I stop?

 

I want to scream at myself. I hurt myself even more. Making the cuts on my arms wider. Keeping the blood running onto the bed. Trying to kill myself. To not have to put up with the toucher that life is. Then I think, what about Betty and Jellybean? What would they think if I killed myself?

 

I stop.

 

I take my blood sooked nails away from my arms. With them comes and a new type of pain. A satisfying one. One that makes me feel better is some twisted way. I look at my arms and the blood that’s covering most of my lower arm. I need to bandage it. I stand up still holding onto the bed just in case I fall. All the pain worsens but I need to put bandages on my arms.

 

I pretty much pulled myself to the bathroom where I know from experience the first aid kit is kept. I open the cabinet above the mirror to get it. I see my reflection. I look like a ghost. Pale with black bags under my eyes. I can see all the bones in my chest and neck and I can count most of my ribs if I wanted to. I run my hand through my hair. Black strands fall out. My once thick black hair is starting to fall out. What’s the bet my teeth are rotting? I don’t want to know

 

I wash my hands and arms, the water stinging the cuts. I get the bandages and wrap them around my arms. I only wrapped up the bleeding parts so you can see the nail marks in the rest of my arm. I cut my nails to try and make the urge to rip more skin open go away and even if I tried, nothing like riped skin would happen.

 

I suddenly have the urge to puke. My stomach starts churning and I can taste puke in my mouth. I lean over the toilet and I puke.

 

I didn’t even have to try.

 

I flush the toilet and decide to brush my teeth.

 

Then I drag myself back to my room and collapsed on the bed.

 

I’ve never been so tired from walking up and down a hall.

 

I want to call Betty but I can’t. I don’t have the energy.

 

Should I be worried?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try writing a different fanfic on top of this. I will keep going with this fanfic tho.
> 
>  
> 
> Would Jughead be a vampire or a werewolf or both?
> 
> (Please tell me what you think about this question!)


	6. IMPORTANT NOTICE!! DISCONTIUED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for doing this.

**I'm really sorry but I can't continue this work.**

 

**Reasons:**

1\. It keeps bringing back bad memories of my best friend who went through this

2\. he asked me to write this. (not really. he helped me with the idea by telling me to read  _In Times of Crisis_ by NeoSoul which gave me the confidence to write this. I strongly advise reading it.)

3\. he helped me save myself from depression and a terrible self-esteem. ~~(which is still healing. I think)~~

4\. he couldn't. (oof that sounds angsty)

5\. I'm writing a happier (not really) more fun fanfic that might include vampires, werewolves, witches and vampire and werewolf hunters. And Bughead. *tries to smile but fails miserably)

 

* * *

 

 

If you want to continue this for me, you can do so.

 

I'm putting this work up for adoption (that sounds weird).

 

Thank you all for the wonderful comments and all the kudos!

 

I love you all! xXJellybeanXx


End file.
